The Ultimatum

I’m putting this on here so my son knows I’m serious and I’m not just wanting him to do more housework for no reason.

Andi has been in France for a little over a year, she’s got Sandy with her all the time, she’s a single mum, entirely on her own with little to no help. I’d love to be there to help and support her when she needs it. I get to visit every three months if I’m lucky, but can I afford to visit? Well, not really, we’ve got credit cards for that. Can I afford those? Nope, the debt is getting a little big and I have no idea how I’m going to pay it back.

So why do I even bother visiting? I go for a few days and I’ve got my son, George complaining that he wants to go home, then Sandy doesn’t really know who I am, and Andi just wants to talk and go out while talking more, and not sleep because she wants to chat. I’m too old for this and it ends up exhausting me. For a week after I question why I went because I’m so drained. I go because I want to see Sandy, I want to be a stable part of his life. By coming and going so much and for staying for such sort times I have to reestablish my relationship every single visit. I want to go see him more, monthly, weekly, all the time if I could, he’s a lovely little boy and I’ve missed so much. The next time I visit he’ll probably be walking, and I might miss those wobbly steps, the first couple of weeks where it is so cute. Things like this make me sad, I miss my daughter, but I miss my grandson more. I want to help with him, I want to babysit, take him walking, anything, I don’t want him forgetting me like Andi used to her grandparents.

Meanwhile I’m stuck here, in southern england, in a town that is okay at best. George, is ungrateful at times. He complains if I say I want to move to France to be closer to Sandy, he says he wants to finish school, finish failing school is more accurate. He doesn’t do anything to help around the house, and It’s not that I don’t like him, but he infuriates me sometimes. He doesn’t seem to care about the rest of us, about what I want, and what seems to be the best option.

He will not do anything for himself and expects me to wait on him. I do all the housework, all the cooking and cleaning. He rarely leaves his room, he will not even eat a meal with me and that means I’m rattling around in a three (possibly four) bedroom house almost alone. Keeping it tidy is hard where he won’t help, this house is really a two person job if there is any more than one person living here. I have more space than I need, it’s actually more space than I know what to do with and it’s turned me into a bit of a hoarder. I’ve got so much pointless crap. Since my husband died I’ve been trying to renovate and redecorate, but because of the DIY the house is a mess, there’s two rooms that have had everything unceremoniously dumped in them, and because of George not being able to cook or clean anything I don’t get the time to sort it out. I’m not 100% sure what half the stuff is, a lot of it belonged to my husband, some of it was Andi’s and isn’t wanted or needed and the rest? Well, I don’t know.

Andi was helping, she’d choose colours, help me budget, help with the work, and just be there to talk to even if she was too pregnant to do the actually work. She was company, at times depressing, drunken company, at others happy and hyper, but she was there for me and for us. 

So I’ve decided, George can stay here, in the UK to finish his school if he helps me get the house tidy by 2014. He’s got just over a month, I’ll give him longer if he actually makes an effort. However, If he makes no effort, I’m getting rid of almost everything, going back to the essentials and moving to France. He’s failing school, so he can fail school in French. Anything that is any use to someone, books, DVDs, knitting supplies, toys, will get sold or put into charity shops, the rest, bin. It’s about time I had a huge clear our anyway, I’ve been putting it off for so long. This seems like the best option anyway, because like this I can free up the money from the house and pay off my debts, and I get to see Sandy on a regular basis. I’ll not get back the things I’ve missed, but at least I won’t miss more. When he gets to 16 or 18? I’m thinking he should learn to survive on his own.

I’m going to add this in as well, so George remembers. I want him sleeping sensible hours, going to bed before midnight, and waking up before 9am. I also want him going out, either shopping (for things other than food) either alone or with me a few times a month. I’d like to see him walk into the local town and go out, and I want him to do some Christmas shopping this year. Normally he is selfish and doesn’t buy anyone anything. Not even online, he won’t even look for gifts. I don’t like having  a son who has no life in the real world, at the moment he has no prospects either, he spends all his time on Animal Crossing, it’s pathetic. Yeah, a few hours a week I can accept, but all the time after school, it’s too much.

I miss Andi. I want to be near her again. I’m not saying I want her back living with me, she’s 20, she is old enough, and capable of living on her own, however if she was within walking distance, or even a bus ride I’d be so happy. She’s also fiercely independent, so might not want to live with me, but she wants me in France, she said so when she stole my passport.

And when I weigh up the options, I’m old, I’m closer to 60 now, my mum died in her 60’s, so I know I might not have long left, I’m planning on another 30 years, but expecting another 10. If I were to get the terminally ill diagnosis like my mum and husband did I know in a heartbeat what I’d do, I’d move to be with Andi, so why wait until I get sick? I’d rather go when healthy and be happy.

If I don’t like it there (unlikely) I can always come back.

I’d love to hear advice for things I can do to motivate and encourage my teenage son to be more social and helpful.

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3 thoughts on “The Ultimatum

    • I’m already spending most of the day doing things around the house, but my son won’t help, all he does is make a mess meaning I don’t have the time to make improvements because it’s all matience.

      • It might make it easier if you pretend he’s not there. (And perhaps pick up a Housing Application form for him and a leaflet on how you can’t get any benefits to help until you’re 25 years old under current regulations…next time you’re passing at the Town Hall…). It’s hard when you’re grieving and sorting so much out. Would the school help you to talk to him?

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